I’m honored to be named a member of this year’s Heeb 100, a list of 100 up and coming Jews in all fields. That’s right - someone other than my grandma thinks I’m a Jew you should know. And unlike my grandma, they complemented me without making me feel guilty about not attending temple as often as I should.

Photo by Tom Becker

On a separate note (for those who find themselves in Los Angeles tonight), I encourage ya’ll to stop by the Trophy Room - a stand up show I host with Good Neighbor’s Nick Rutherford. Details below. It’s free and full of laughs and friends!

From the main theme of The Wrestler:

Have you ever seen a one-legged dog making his way down the street?

That’s an oddly specific question, Bruce.

If you’ve ever seen a one-legged dog then you’ve seen me

Oh, I see what you’re getting at Bruce. That was a fairly round about way of getting there.

Have you ever seen toothless chipmunk? He ain’t got no teeth

Well, obviously Bruce. Obviously he has no teeth.

Have you ever seen toothless chipmunk? Then you’ve seen me

First of all, I haven’t seen a toothless chipmunk. Second of all, if I did, it wouldn’t mean that I saw you. It would mean that I saw a toothless chipmunk.

Have you ever seen a hairless poodle? Trying catch a breeze

You’re a really weird dude, Bruce.

Have you ever seen a hairless poodle? Then you’ve seen me

Is this a sexual thing? I honestly have no idea what you are talking about.

Have you ever seen a recently raped giraffe? Trying to get up on its feet

So it is a sexual thing. And a f-ed up one at that. Not cool, Bruce.

Have you ever seen a recently raped giraffe? Then you’ve seen me

Are you trying to say that you were raped or that you raped a giraffe? Your analogies are both confusing and disturbing.

live jokes!

from the sidebar of thefrisky.com:

When I die, I can only hope they report
on the news with a similarly poor
combination of stories.

if they do, they should shut it down immediately. they’re not even trying.

What, do you have something better to do? I sure don’t. Wish him luck, people.

This is a good way to start the day with a smile on your face.

The evidence couldn’t be more clear:

INT. DAEWOO BOARDROOM - DAY
The year is 1967 which means that, according to Wikipedia, Daewoo is now a thing. Lights up on a boardroom.

Awkward pause.

EMPLOYEE #1
Um…correct me if I’m wrong here but…I think our logo is just a dude getting a wedgie.

A beat.

EMPLOYEE #2
You’re not wrong at all. However you should take note of this fact: we just named out company “Daewoo.”

EMPLOYEE #1
You’re right. That is a horrible name. We’re all retarded.

EMPLOYEE #2
God, I wish I worked for Toyota. Maybe then my parents would love me.

BLACKOUT.

Obama may have made it cool to be a nerd, but apparently you still can’t be a dweeb if you want to be president.

In all honesty, I’m cool with that.

My good friends Dave and Marisa write one of my favorite blogs: Dealbreaker. They let me post one today! It’s all about facebook pokes. Read it here.

Dave and Marissa are also guest bloggers on FunnyorDie.com this week, an accomplishment that is well deserved if you ask me. So check that out too.